Once you've got everything
you've ever wanted, you've got everything to lose
i'm missing you dearly
Thursday, April 16 / 4:46:00 PM
the way we started to talk, what we talked about, has really gotten to me. i think about it everyday, and today i kind of got stuff off my chest. it felt really nice, to have somebody like you, relate to me. well no doubt, you would, but it just feels really nice. it reassures me of our bond. it's unbreakable, and always will be. point is, i'm missing you. to the fullest. and i really wish that i could have had just one last goodbye. it breaks my hearts like over and over. because i never realized how much you truly meant to me. no doubt- fam is fam. but you were my favourite. you are my favourite- and you'll always be. i just miss the way things were. everything seemed to change, without you. because we all depended on you. and never take that in the wrong way. we needed you, because we knew you'd always be there beside us. you dedicated your life to me, to everyone. and... i'm just speechless. there's so many things i would like to say. but whenever they come out of my mouth, i just break down. i break into tears, because to me, tears is eerything you've brought to me - the good and the bad. don't take it in a wrong way, but you're part of me now. you mean everything to me. and i've realized that, i'd do anything for you. if anybody asked me who my hero is- it'd be you. you indefinitely. always. forever isn't a word? but you've got my love, forever. and that's a promise i'm willing to keep.
it's been six months since you've left us.
so, i kind of feel like i have alot to say. and just now, i kind of got an idea of how to put things. so i don't know what's happening. but i feel like everything in my life is changing. alot. and i've come to realize alot of things - who my true friends are, what my limits are, who i love, what i love doing, who's real who isn't, and things are just yeah, changing. i don't know? like the things i used to do, are things i rarely do now a days. like, taking pictures. or watching tv. or... listening to music. i feel so dead now a days? i don't even know why. is it cause of you? wait. stop, don't think of that. kay, so i don't know. but everyday i've been feeling tired. exhausted. like i need a rest or something? but nah. i don't know? lol i'm clueless. but yeah, back to what i said mainly my point is - i've realized who i need and who i don't need. who needs me, and who doesn't. but i'm perfectly fine with that. because as what i said to my bhess - it isn't about the names on my maynesquueze. it isn't about knowing i'm on someone's list, or that person knowing that their on my list. that doesn't even matter sometimes. it doesn't matter how many mayne's you got, who is your mayne. it matters, when that person shows it. it matters that... the people who deserve that spot on that "to die for" list, know who they are, without even having to glance at it. it's like.. i don't expect anything from them, yet they always give me 110% more. and i hope i'm returning that favour. cause lately, i think i haven't. well i try to... but, uhm, yeah. like i don't even know. if it's the people around me who are changing? or is it me? but really... i don't think i'm changing. like for reals, i hate it when people tell me i'm changing. cause it makes me feel guilty and what not? like... really. have you really gotten the chance to chill with me lately? have you put effort into communicating? it seems like my "bestfriends" don't seem to have that little vibe with me anymore. it's gone... and now, it's just a f*cking label. but ugh, actions speak louder than words. and i really don't feel like playing sherades, or any freaking game with you. especially you two in specific... like ouch.
so, NEXT TOPIC.
ah i'm so venty today. thank god for blogspot cause whenever i write this sht down on paper, it makes my hands hurt like heck. :)
so, hm... lately alot of drama or confusion or misunderstanding/s, have been occuring. so i thought of what i should kind of say to the people involved.
person numero uno,
so... yeah you know i love you. of course i do. and, i know how hard it's being on you right now. and i don't blame you, because anybody would feel the same way. maybe not take it out the same way you do, but "feel" yes. uhm, you know i'm here for you 24/7, cause we've been through hell and back together. am i right? or am i right? and i'm sorry if i laugh when your angry, but it's just so damn funny :) LOL. i hope i made you laugh if you're reading this. but, yeah. you make me laugh so much. like when i'm crying my eyes out, maybe you should act mad at me so i can piss my pants <3>
it's been six months since you've left us.
so, i kind of feel like i have alot to say. and just now, i kind of got an idea of how to put things. so i don't know what's happening. but i feel like everything in my life is changing. alot. and i've come to realize alot of things - who my true friends are, what my limits are, who i love, what i love doing, who's real who isn't, and things are just yeah, changing. i don't know? like the things i used to do, are things i rarely do now a days. like, taking pictures. or watching tv. or... listening to music. i feel so dead now a days? i don't even know why. is it cause of you? wait. stop, don't think of that. kay, so i don't know. but everyday i've been feeling tired. exhausted. like i need a rest or something? but nah. i don't know? lol i'm clueless. but yeah, back to what i said mainly my point is - i've realized who i need and who i don't need. who needs me, and who doesn't. but i'm perfectly fine with that. because as what i said to my bhess - it isn't about the names on my maynesquueze. it isn't about knowing i'm on someone's list, or that person knowing that their on my list. that doesn't even matter sometimes. it doesn't matter how many mayne's you got, who is your mayne. it matters, when that person shows it. it matters that... the people who deserve that spot on that "to die for" list, know who they are, without even having to glance at it. it's like.. i don't expect anything from them, yet they always give me 110% more. and i hope i'm returning that favour. cause lately, i think i haven't. well i try to... but, uhm, yeah. like i don't even know. if it's the people around me who are changing? or is it me? but really... i don't think i'm changing. like for reals, i hate it when people tell me i'm changing. cause it makes me feel guilty and what not? like... really. have you really gotten the chance to chill with me lately? have you put effort into communicating? it seems like my "bestfriends" don't seem to have that little vibe with me anymore. it's gone... and now, it's just a f*cking label. but ugh, actions speak louder than words. and i really don't feel like playing sherades, or any freaking game with you. especially you two in specific... like ouch.
so, NEXT TOPIC.
ah i'm so venty today. thank god for blogspot cause whenever i write this sht down on paper, it makes my hands hurt like heck. :)
so, hm... lately alot of drama or confusion or misunderstanding/s, have been occuring. so i thought of what i should kind of say to the people involved.
person numero uno,
so... yeah you know i love you. of course i do. and, i know how hard it's being on you right now. and i don't blame you, because anybody would feel the same way. maybe not take it out the same way you do, but "feel" yes. uhm, you know i'm here for you 24/7, cause we've been through hell and back together. am i right? or am i right? and i'm sorry if i laugh when your angry, but it's just so damn funny :) LOL. i hope i made you laugh if you're reading this. but, yeah. you make me laugh so much. like when i'm crying my eyes out, maybe you should act mad at me so i can piss my pants <3>
